Cousin
by Cimz
Summary: When Sami's cousin Stephanie is caught in an uncharacteristic scheme, Sami is presented with the chance to reflect on her own scheming past. Can two of her great rivals, Carrie and Nicole, show her how to find herself again? Written/set in 2011. Long ficlet; complete.


**Title**: Cousin

**Thank you**: To Kazz, Roselm, and ddmtex for answering my questions about Stephanie's antics.

**Disclaimer**: All belong to Ken Corday, NBC, and Sony.

**Note**: Ever feel tempted to write a fic starring characters you can't stand? No? Just me, then?

**Rating**: PG-13 for discussion of sexual assault which has previously occurred on the show.

* * *

"I trusted you! I trusted you, and you never gave him the letter?!"

"You went off your birth control on purpose?"

"You did _what _to the records in the hospital? That's a complete abuse of your position-"

"An abuse of all of our trust-"

"You let me think that Nathan didn't care-"

"Your parents deserved better than to have a daughter like you."

"You're a disgrace to all women, not just poor Kayla. Trying to get pregnant to trap a man? Really?"

"You will never be welcome in this house again!"

"You'll never be welcome in my _life _again!"

"I used to feel guilty for breaking the two of you up, but Max is going to thank me when he finds out what I saved him from!"

"You're disgusting."

Stephanie suspected that the shouting could be heard from the street outside Maggie Horton's house.

That wasn't why she didn't shout back.

She didn't shout back because everyone— Philip and Chloe, Nathan and Melanie, Maggie and Carly and Dan— was right.

"I hate you!"

Hot tears promptly fell down Stephanie's cheeks. She hated herself, too.

"Don't you dare cry! If anyone is going to cry, it's going to be me."

Stephanie couldn't stop herself. She was already shaking too hard to stand up and too blinded by tears to see. She didn't want to see; she didn't need to see. She knew who was there.

On the left were Carly and Dan, who had once respected her as a colleague but who were now leading the charge to have her fired.

In front of them, basking in their parental warmth, was Melanie, the avenging angel. Somehow everyone had forgiven her for everything she had done; she was the wounded princess that Stephanie had been, long ago.

On the right was Philip, who had once loved Stephanie more than his own life, but who now wrapped his arms protectively around Chloe as they both glared at Stephanie with unmitigated hatred.

And closest to Stephanie was Nathan, another man who would never love her again— not that he had ever cared for her the way he did Melanie. Maggie hovered over him.

Everyone had a protector but Stephanie.

Then the door banged open.

There must have been some acknowledgment of the new arrival, but Stephanie would never know what it might have been. Inside the cocoon of her own sobs, Stephanie was blind, deaf, and paralyzed until the gentle voice in her ear said "let's go."

She didn't know the voice, and it made no difference to her whether she stayed or went.

It made a difference to Carly. "Oh, no. She is going to stay here until we are ready for her to leave."

"Thank you for your suggestion, Dr. Lied To Her Daughter's Father For Twenty Years And Let a Serial Abuser Raise The Kid, but we'll be going anyway," said Sami. Stephanie recognized her cousin now.

Dan took a step toward Sami, who held up a warning hand. "Don't even say it, Dr. Was Totally Fine With Cheating When Chloe Was Married To Lucas. And Little Miss Drove Nick To Prison, you've said enough, too."

Melanie tossed her red hair in lavish outrage, preening as the others glanced between her and Sami.

Sami looked at Chloe next, but Philip cut her off. "We didn't say anything," he said, tightening his grip on Chloe. "We think you should go."

Even through her fog, Stephanie was aware that Sami seemed disappointed.

Disappointed or not, Sami dragged Stephanie to her feet and guided her out the door into the watery autumn sunlight.

Stephanie stumbled her way into Sami's car, and she let Sami fasten the seatbelt across her chest. She didn't bother telling Sami that it would be a blessing to be thrown through the windshield and killed. She didn't have the energy.

She cried herself to sleep within minutes of arriving at Sami's townhouse.

* * *

When she woke up, her mother was sitting beside her.

"Mom?" Stephanie murmured sleepily in the blissful split-second before the events of earlier that day slammed back into her conscious mind.

It only took a quick glance at Kayla through painfully swollen eyelids for Stephanie to be sure that her mother had been told everything.

"Sami," Stephanie hissed angrily, instinctively.

"She came all the way from Africa and knocked on my door. I couldn't exactly tell her to go away." Sami voice floated toward Stephanie from deeper in the room. Sami was sitting in a chair by the window, holding some childish work of art she had been showing Kayla.

"You didn't have to tell her everything," Stephanie complained as she tried to pull herself into a sitting position. Her head spun and her stomach lurched.

"As a matter of fact, she didn't," Kayla said with what Stephanie recognized as her doctor-voice; warm, but detached. "Your Aunt Adrienne did."

Stephanie made a face. She hadn't really expected Adrienne to hold off on telling Kayla what had happened for this long. It was easier not to have to explain it herself, anyway.

"Then why don't we just get on with the lecture?" Stephanie suggested.

"No lecture," said Kayla in the same neutral voice. "Just a discussion about when and where you'll go for counseling."

Stephanie's body stiffened with fear. The reach of Salem University Hospital was vast. Anyone remotely related to the medical profession in the greater Salem area would soon know what she had done. Anyone willing to see her would laugh at her. Or tell his colleagues whatever she said, since she had violated confidentiality and turnabout was fair play. Or have her forcibly committed. She wasn't sure she didn't deserve it.

"No way," said Stephanie.

"You need it," Kayla told her.

Stephanie was frantic and desperate. She saw only one course of escape. And so, even though she was thoroughly grateful to Sami for rescuing her from her unofficial trial, Stephanie threw her cousin under the bus. "Sami never went to therapy, and she did way worse stuff than what I did."

Sami rolled her eyes, but remained silent.

"I'm not Sami's mother," said Kayla.

"Aunt Marlena _is _a psychiatrist. Don't you think she would have gotten Sami help if she thought she needed it? And look at Sami now. She has four kids, she's engaged to be married—"

"You and Rafe are getting married?" Kayla asked, allowing herself to be distracted for a moment.

"Not Rafe," said Stephanie sweetly. "EJ."

Kayla's eyes widened. "EJ?" It was remarkable how much shock and disgust she was able to pack into two letters. "You do know he tried to kill me. And Stephanie. And Max. And John. And Bo. And Shawn-Douglas. And what he did to Steve—"

"He's changed!" Sami snapped. "He's the father of two of my children. He loves me and he loves them, and we are going to have some stability in our lives."

"Marrying a sociopath is not the way to get stability in your life. If I were Lucas, I'd sue for custody before I'd let Allie and Will—"

Kayla broke off abruptly and returned her attention to Stephanie. "Nice try. But this is not about Sami. This is about you."

Stephanie smirked. "I'll go to therapy if Sami comes with me. We can have a family session."

Kayla was about to argue the point but Sami, still fuming, jumped to her feet. "You know what? Fine, Steph. I'll come. I'll let a professional explain to you that marrying EJ is the right thing to do, and then you can share that explanation with your mother, and my father, and the rest of our stupid family!"

* * *

Two days passed.

* * *

Dr. Cook looked back and forth between Sami and Stephanie, as if she was still not sure whether this joint session was a good idea.

"What brings you here today, Sami?" she said at last.

"Stephanie wouldn't come unless I came, too," said Sami, daring Dr. Cook to suggest that she was not the framed picture of mental health.

"And you, Stephanie?"

"I did some bad things," Stephanie muttered, and then recited her crimes. "Melanie gave me a letter to give to Nathan and I didn't give it to her because I wanted her to marry Philip so I could have Nathan. Then I went off my birth control and didn't tell Nathan because I wanted to get pregnant—but I did stop before anything happened. Then, when Philip got Chloe pregnant, I switched the paternity tests so Melanie wouldn't leave Philip and take Nathan away from me."

"Have you ever done anything like that, Sami?"

Sami laughed.

"I'll take that as a yes," Dr. Cook decided.

"I'm a different person now," said Sami. "I've tried to make up for what I did, and the people I hurt have forgiven me. That's all in the past."

"Speaking of the past," said Dr. Cook, "I'd like to ask you both some questions about your background. Have either of you ever been sexually assaulted?"

Stephanie's eyes immediately filled with tears. "I was raped a few years ago," she managed. "Right when I started college."

"I'm so sorry," said Dr. Cook. "And Sami?"

Sami nodded. "When I was sixteen."

"And?" Stephanie prompted through her whimpering. "If I have to be completely honest, so do you."

Dr. Cook looked at Sami.

"There was another incident," Sami admitted. "It wasn't exactly rape. I didn't—the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with him, but if I didn't, he was going to let my fiancé die."

"Did you tell him you didn't want to have sex with him?"

"Yes. And he said that I could have my virtue or Lucas' life, or something, but not both." Sami shuddered, and then felt horribly guilty for betraying EJ. She had forgiven him. She was going to marry him. "He was really sorry afterwards. He's done everything to make it up to me. And if—if it hadn't happened, we wouldn't have our son." Ten thousand times, she had wished that Lucas had been Johnny's father, but deep down she knew that Johnny was Johnny because EJ was his father. And she wouldn't change a hair on Johnny's head, not for anything in the world.

"Nonetheless," said Dr. Cook, "you have been raped twice, and I think you know that."

"No," said Sami firmly. "I don't know that. I've been raped, and what EJ did to me wasn't rape. It wasn't like what Alan did. What Alan did, I didn't deserve."

"You think you _deserved _what EJ did?" broke in Stephanie, appalled. "Thank God I dragged you here, because you need this worse than I do."

"Not deserved, deserved," Sami clarified. "But it was… it was almost karmic justice for everything I'd ever done. I hurt so many people, and I could let myself be hurt to protect them."

"So I need to find someone to rape me so I can make it up to Melanie and Nathan and everyone else I hurt? Or maybe because I did less than you did, I only need to get beat up?" Quicker than quick—she had developed excellent reflexes during her car racing phase—Stephanie grabbed a stapler from Dr. Cook's desk and hit herself across the face with it.

Sami and Dr. Cook both lunged at Stephanie, who allowed the weapon to be taken away and sat back calmly in her chair.

"I was just making a point," she said nonchalantly. "I don't really want to hurt myself."

Once more, Dr. Cook swung her gaze from Sami to Stephanie and back again. Stephanie, suspecting that she and Sami might have overwhelmed the doctor, stifled a giggle. Sami smiled back slyly. This did not go unnoticed by their counselor.

"Would the two of you like to play a game?" Dr. Cook asked them.

"Sure," said Sami, as long as she was supposed to be setting a good example for her little cousin anyway.

"Good. You will go first, Sami, since it was your experience that sent us on this detour."

Dr. Cook pulled a notebook from her desk and wrote a single line on it:  
**_  
EJ raped Sami._**

Sami made a face.

"You have children, don't you, Sami?"

Sami nodded.

"So you're very aware that children are born without words. They experience life without being able to put words to those experiences. But once they develop the ability to use and understand language, they begin to perceive words as the experience themselves. They—we—confuse words with memories, emotions, thoughts, physical sensations. And today, you are going to sort them out again."

"I don't see why what happened with EJ and me is important today. I think we're really here for Stephanie."

Dr. Cook nodded. "Very well."

Something inside of Sami deflated. She had had no idea that she had wanted Dr. Cook to force the issue until Dr. Cook did not.

Dr. Cook turned over the next page of her notebook.

**_EJ raped Sami_** was gone.

As if it had never happened.

Dr. Cook was easily moving on to the next topic—no doubt something to do with Stephanie—and acknowledging that Sami's turn, in counseling and in life, was over.

Dr. Cook was writing again.

_**Stephanie lied to keep Nathan.  
**_  
Stephanie nodded determinedly before Dr. Cook even asked if she was willing to go forward.

"This is a loaded statement, isn't it?"

Stephanie shook her head. "It's true."

"When you look at those words, what do you remember?"

Stephanie sighed. "Having the letter in my hand and not giving it to Melanie. Going off my birth control, then telling Nathan it was an accident when it wasn't. Getting a friend to hack into the computer so I could change the results." Her face and voice grew unexpectedly dreamy. "Walking through Paris with Max."

"What about emotions? Can you separate out the feelings you have?"

"Guilt. Shame. Bitterness. Anger."

"Anger at yourself?"

"Yes."

"At anyone else?"

Stephanie sighed. "At Melanie."

"Why?"

"Because she went out of her way to destroy my relationship with Max, and everyone forgives her, but it's still not over for me. I don't have him. He moved on. He moved on with my best friend. But she hasn't lost anything, not permanently, and no one forgives me."

"What you did was two days ago," Sami pointed out.

Stephanie sighed again.

"Why guilt and shame?" asked Dr. Cook.

"Because I know that what I did was wrong, and that I shouldn't have done it." She sighed a third time. "And because I had to do it. Love—love is really important in my family." She gestured vaguely at Sami. "Our family. We're Bradys. We're supposed to be passionate, lead with our hearts and our guts, put love first."

"Yeah, that's us," Sami confirmed when Dr. Cook looked at her.

"I remember—Papa had amnesia, didn't remember Mom at all. Mom was sick. She couldn't will herself to live—not for me, not for her parents and brothers and sister, not for her friends, not for her patients and career—not until Papa acted like he cared. There's nothing as important as love. That kind of love."

"Have you ever asked your mother about this?"

"Yes. No. Not that specifically, but when Papa first came back to us, we had a huge fight about it right in the middle of a restaurant. The last straw was that my Aunt Kim—our Aunt Kim—called me that day and asked what she'd done to make Mom mad at her, because Mom never returned her calls anymore. I told Mom that—I told her that it was stupid for everything to be about a man who didn't want her."

"A reasonable thought, although you may not have delivered it in the most tactful way."

"It wasn't reasonable, though. She made everything all about him for months, years, and finally he came back all the way. He loves her again. And I realized that I wasn't trying hard enough to make a man love me. I mean, Jeremy, I let him call me names and hold my head underwater until I thought I'd drown—"

"Jeremy did WHAT?" Sami demanded.

"Let your cousin speak," Dr. Cook told her.

"And Philip, I ended up in a drawer in a morgue because his business rivals had me kidnapped. I was in his bed when he was shot. I—no matter what I did, I couldn't turn him into someone it was safe to be around. So Nathan, he didn't need to be changed, he was nice, he was safe, all I had to do was make him love me instead of Melanie. But I couldn't do that, either. And now I'm the only Brady who doesn't have this grand, perfect love like Mom and Papa, and Aunt Kim and Uncle Shane, and Aunt Hope and Uncle Bo, and Carrie and Austin, and Shawn-D and Belle, and I'm the only one who—"

"Hello?" asked Sami, who after all was about the marry a man her family hated and she didn't especially love.

"You had it, though," said Stephanie dismissively. "You had it with Lucas, and you let him go. You decided you didn't want him. You divorced him when he begged you not to. That's different."

* * *

That night, Johnny fell asleep after Sami sang _Frere Jacques_ to him the fourth time.

Allie fell asleep after Sami rescued her laughing penguin from beneath her bed.

Sydney fell asleep after Sami changed her diaper.

But Sami couldn't fall asleep.

Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the bold, strong words on lined notebook paper.

_**EJ raped Sami.**_

As if in a trance, she wandered into Will's empty room; Will had texted to say that he was spending the night with Tad. More often than not, Will spent nights with his friends, or at the Pub, or with Kate. He didn't approve of Sami's plan to marry EJ. The force of his disapproval swirled around the empty bedroom.

The school supplies she and Will had bought for his senior year of high school (yes, she was so old now that her baby was a senior in high school) were neatly stacked on his bookcase.

She borrowed a notebook with a hard green cover and a dark blue pen.

She retraced the words herself.

_**EJ raped Sami.**_

She sat at Will's desk and drew a chart.

Physical Sensations  
Cold (blizzard)  
Heat (flushing/anger)  
Pain (hands hurt, trying to get the beam off of Lucas)  
Pain (EJ in me)

Memories  
Alan Harris' apartment  
Carrie on the witness stand  
Alan/gun  
Lexie's car  
EJ/gun/John  
Lucas under the beam  
Lucas in the hospital  
John in a coma  
Celeste and EJ in the cabin  
Trying to tell Lucas (wedding day)  
Telling Lucas ("not the baby")  
Safe house with Lucas  
Paternity test  
Ultrasound; seeing two babies  
Giving birth to the twins  
"They don't look alike"  
Divorcing Lucas  
Paternity test result  
Santo and Colleen's letters  
"I'm afraid Allie's gonna grow up a poor relation"  
Black wedding dress/bullet  
Will leaving  
Lucas wanting me to say I drove him to shooting EJ  
Lucas dumping me by email  
EJ apologizing  
Fake Green card problem.

Emotions  
Fear—he's going to hurt me.  
Fear—he must have shot (killed?) John.  
Fear—he could shoot me too.  
Fear—Lucas is dying.  
Fear—Will will be an orphan.  
Fear—I could get pregnant.  
Fear—I could be chained to EJ for life.  
Fear—Lucas might not accept the baby.  
Fear—this could ruin my family with Lucas and Will.  
Fear—STDs.  
Fear—DiMeras will want to hurt the babies.  
Fear—DiMeras will raise the babies to kill and hate.  
Fear—people will think I'm a slut.  
Fear—Lucas might not believe me. (Kate/Brandon/drugging thing.)  
Fear—I'll end up alone.  
Betrayal—EJ pretended to be my friend.  
Anger—EJ pretended to be my friend.  
Anger—I was too stupid to see EJ wasn't my friend.  
Anger—God is letting me be raped twice.  
Anger—I never did anything to Stefano.  
Anger—my family worried about paternity, not me being raped.  
Anger—Lucas and I finally had everything going right and Stefano and EJ ruined it.  
Anger—being pregnant this ONE time that paternity was in question.  
Anger—tied to EJ for life when I never chose it.  
Anger—getting pregnant by EJ AGAIN.  
Anger—Lucas wouldn't let me handle it, shot EJ.  
Anger—never got time alone with Lucas and the twins.  
Anger—missed most of the twins' babyhood.  
Resentment—this would never happen to Carrie or Belle.  
Resentment—this is because of Mom and Dad (and Colleen), not me.  
Resentment—my family worried about paternity, not me being raped.  
Guilt—maybe if I had been better, this wouldn't have happened.  
Guilt—wishing I hadn't gotten pregnant that night.  
Guilt—wishing I hadn't gotten pregnant when EJ said he was sorry.  
Guilt—the drama with Johnny and Sydney always pushes Allie to the back.  
Guilt—wishing Lucas was Johnny's father.  
Guilt—wishing Lucas was Sydney's father.  
Guilt—wishing Rafe was Sydney's father.  
Guilt—wishing Grace was Sydney.  
Guilt—ever thinking about anything besides Grace.  
Grief—losing Grace.  
Shame—losing Grace.  
Love—for Johnny.  
Admiration—EJ is a good father.

Thoughts  
It was rape.  
I've done bad things too.  
Everyone deserves a second chance.  
Stefano twisted him into doing it.  
I believe he is sorry.  
I can never have Lucas again.  
I can never have Rafe again.  
Grace is dead.  
He's a good father to Sydney and Johnny.  
I don't want to marry him.  
He'll never let me be with anyone else.  
I'm old enough for it to be time to settle.  
Play the hand I've been dealt.

She reread her thoughts and was stunned to see what she had written. It was hard to believe that she had been the one to write it.

"This stupid shrink game is a trick," she complained aloud. "Lucas let me sit on death row for something he did, and no one in my family said a word against me marrying him."

To prove her point, she turned the page.

**_Lucas let Sami be executed for Franco's death._**

Physical Sensations  
Prison jumpsuit against my skin.  
Numb feeling of the anesthetic on my arm.  
Numb feeling of the drugs in my body.  
Table flat against my back.  
Mom's arms around me.  
Will's baby-arms around me.  
Mike pounding on my chest (not sure if this is a real memory?)  
Groggy/headache in the hospital.

Memories  
Rock-a-bye Sami.  
Rock-a-bye Allie.  
Rock-a-bye Grace.  
Rock-a-bye Sydney.  
Eric's and my birthday (thought of it as they were injecting me).  
Austin visiting Carrie and bringing me a rose (that too).  
On the run with Austin and Tracey.  
Dad bringing me back to be executed.  
Church, knowing I didn't kill Franco.  
Belle wanting to know why I didn't visit.  
Finding out Franco cheated on me.  
Lucas gloating about getting custody of Will  
Carrie saying I could have killed Franco.  
Grandpa (miss him) saying this was not justice.  
Carson Palmer being smug.  
Last rites.  
"We're going to have a man to mom talk."  
"I did it, I shot Franco."  
Brandon. "The butler did it."  
Creepy Will Doll. Wonder he isn't traumatized.  
Angela dead in Brandon's arms.  
Tape covered with blood—literally. (figuratively too)  
Will praying because his daddy was in a coma.  
Kate insisting Will was going to wake Lucas up.  
Las Vegas wedding. Austin. Lucas and the damn tape.  
Will's wind chimes.  
"Don't you ever see Will in me?"  
Salty French toast.  
Horton the tiger.  
Clown car.  
Comfort sleep.

Emotions  
Anger—Lucas trying to one-up me.  
Anger—Lucas raising Will.  
Anger—Lucas winning.  
Anger—Nicole marrying Lucas instead of Eric.  
Anger—Carrie not wanting Will.  
Anger—Dad bringing me back.  
Anger—Kate always getting away with everything.  
Anger—Dad and John both getting with Kate after what she did.  
Anger—Italy stunt could have got Will killed.  
Anger—Italy stunt could have given Will permanent emotional problems.  
Resentment—Dad bringing me back.  
Gratitude—Mike doing CPR.  
Gratitude—Austin loving Will.  
Gratitude—Austin taking me on the run.  
Gratitude—Mom asking Stefano for help.  
Gratitude—Grandpa's outspokenness.  
Gratitude—Belle's innocence.  
Gratitude—Eric's twinness.  
Gratitude—for every minute God gave me Will.  
Pride—Will. Just Will.  
Sadness—that I won't see Will grow up.  
Sadness—I won't see my family again.  
Sadness—my family is sad.  
Love—for Will.  
Love—for Mom.  
Love—for Dad.  
Love—for Belle.  
Love—for Eric.  
Love—for Brady.  
Love—for John (complicated).  
Love—for Carrie (even more complicated).  
Love—for Austin.  
Love—for Grandma.  
Love—for Grandpa.  
Love—for the rest of my family.  
Hope—for my family.  
Worry—for Will.  
Worry—for Eric (everyone else had someone I knew would take care of them).  
Resignation  
Regret—not doing more.  
Regret—not being better.  
Grief—I did love Franco even though he didn't love me.  
Relief—when it was over.  
Grace—God's grace protected me.  
Guilt—ever thinking about anything besides Grace.  
Forgiveness—I know Lucas is sorry.  
Compassion—I know Lucas feels guilty.  
Understanding—I know why Lucas did it.  
Understanding—that Lucas didn't mean it to go so far.  
Security—I know Lucas would never do something like that again.  
Faith—in Lucas (later).  
Love—for Lucas (later).

Thoughts  
It was a lifetime ago now.  
Lucas paid. He spent a year in a coma.  
Lucas was never the mastermind. Kate was. I didn't fall in love with her.  
I struck Lucas. First. Hard. Repeatedly. It was war and he acted like it.  
I know beyond everything that he didn't want me to die.  
He did want me to hurt.  
But he doesn't now. Neither does EJ.  
But I didn't think EJ wanted to hurt me before, and he did.  
I don't want my children raised with Stefano and Kate.  
I don't love EJ.  
I want to make myself love EJ.  
But if I could control it, I wouldn't have loved Rafe or especially Lucas.

Sami glanced up to see Will's alarm clock, glowing green in the darkness. It was 4:52 in the morning. Soon, Sydney would be demanding her breakfast. The twins wouldn't be far behind. There was no point in going to bed.

So she ripped the pages out of the notebook and shredded them.

Then she started her day.

* * *

Stephanie arrived unannounced that afternoon.

"How," she asked after pleasantries had been exchanged, "did you even know what was happening at Maggie's house?"

Sami smiled without humor. "I got five different texts, four of them from people I hadn't spoken to in years, asking if changing test results in the hospital ran in the family."

"Why did you come and get me?"

Sami's eyes burned with tiredness. She didn't want to have this conversation now. But Stephanie looked young and raw and pleading and desperate, and once Sami had been young and raw and pleading and desperate.

"You're my cousin," Sami answered, hoping Stephanie would take the answer and leave.

"So?"

"So family takes care of family."

Her stomach turned.

When she'd been on death row, she'd been overwhelmed by the force of her family's love. Yes, they'd taken care of her. Even her father, in ruining her jailbreak, had believed that he was taking care of her. Roman had believed that he was teaching her to trust in the law and sparing her a life on the run.

She thought of the words she'd written in the notebook about death row.  
_  
Gratitude. Pride. Forgiveness. Hope. Compassion. Understanding. Love._

And she'd tried to pay them back when she'd submitted to EJ over and over. The rape. The marriage. The nights spent by EJ's bed, her breasts bursting with unused milk, while Lucas fed the children she barely knew from bottle. The nights in the safehouse, hiding herself from a DiMera henchman and Sydney from DiMera influences.

There was no way out now, not with Johnny and Sydney.

And her family was gone. Eric was gone. Carrie and Austin were gone. Belle and Shawn were gone. Her mother and John were gone. Grandpa was gone.

Lucas was gone.

Rafe was gone.

"Sami?" Stephanie interrupted. "Not that I'm in a position to talk, but you look awful."

"Thank you," said Sami automatically.

""That's not what I meant. You know you're beautiful. You look sick."

"I didn't sleep well."

"Want me to watch the kids for a while? You could rest."

"That's OK," said Sami wearily. What she wanted was for Stephanie to leave.

"Then I'll get out of your way. I just wanted to say thank you. And goodbye."

"Goodbye?" asked Sami, taken aback. She wanted Stephanie to leave her townhouse, not her life.

"I'm going to be with Mom and Papa and Joe in Africa. Just for a while. I need a fresh start."

"I wish I could have one of those," said Sami fervently.

"Come with us. It's a safe place for kids, it really is. Joe loves it. He's happy and he's healthy and—"

"Will is starting his senior year," said Sami, because saying "EJ wouldn't let me" hurt too much.

"OK," said Stephanie with real regret. She pulled Sami into a hug. "But if you won't come, maybe you can use this." She pressed a business card into Sami's hand.

"What is it?"

"My follow-up appointment with Dr. Cook. I can't keep it. Maybe you can."

And Stephanie was gone. Gone like Belle and Shawn and Eric and Carrie and Austin and Marlena and John and Lucas and Rafe and Grandpa and Grace.

* * *

Five days passed. 

* * *

Sami had had no intention of keeping Stephanie's appointment, but she kept forgetting to cancel it.

So she decided to go see Dr. Cook. It would only be polite. Not that trying to be good had ever gotten her a damn thing.

"I'm glad you decided to come back," said Dr. Cook. "I know your cousin would be, too, if you told her."

Sami shrugged. What Stephanie thought wasn't high on her list of priorities.

_"You had it with Lucas, and you let him go. You decided you didn't want him. You divorced him when he begged you not to. That's different," Stephanie had said._

Stephanie was young and immature and didn't understand that things were complicated.

"If it's OK with you, I'd like to finish asking you those standard questions we started with last time."

Sami agreed.

"Have you ever had an eating disorder?"

"I was bulimic when I was a teenager. I haven't had any problems for years. Not since then."

"Is there any history of mental instability in your family?"

The question was so ludicrous that Sami laughed. "My aunt was institutionalized."

"Is this your mother's sister or your father's sister?"

Sami laughed again. "Both. Wait, I'm not sure Aunt Kim was ever actually hospitalized. But she had multiple personalities. My Aunt Sam… well, that was before I was born and I don't know the details."

"Anything else?"

"My Mom… well, there was the really weird thing where she blocked out the whole time she was married to her first husband. Oh, and she was… sick… for a while when I was pregnant with Will. And all the brainwashed to believe she was a serial killer stuff. But other than that, she's, like, the most stable person on the planet even with everything that's happened to her."

"What happened to her?"

"You must have read about it in the papers. Especially being a psychiatrist yourself."

"I'm interested in knowing what stands out to you, Sami, what affected you, what you perceived."

Sami was stunned. That was different.

"Well," she began, "Mom is beautiful. Really beautiful, beautiful. Perfect, beautiful."

"And you look like her."

Sami shook her head adamantly. "No. No, I don't. Not at all. I used to think—did you want me to answer your question, or not?"

"I'm sorry. You see, this is why we're talking about this in the first place. I took it for granted that you'd think you looked like Dr. Evans because the two of you look alike to me. I shouldn't have assumed. Please tell me what happened to your mother."

"She was beautiful, and Stefano DiMera fell in love with her. He wanted her, anyway, because he hated my father and his family and he wanted to make them suffer. He wanted her, and he couldn't have her. So he kidnapped her. More than once. He held her hostage. He threatened her children. He kidnapped my father and made her think another man… well, anyway, he was obsessed with her and he had all the money and power in the world. So he kept trying to get her and he didn't care how much he hurt her in the process."

"How did that make you feel, growing up in that kind of environment?"

"Frightened. Bad. Somewhere in there I decided that if I was good enough, she'd come back, and that she went away because I was bad. I worried that someone would take away my father—stepfather—too, and eventually it happened. I hate it when people leave me."  
_  
Grace._

Dr. Cook nodded. "Do we need to talk more about this now, or should I go on to the next question?"

Sami waved her hand. "Go on. This is old news."

"Have you ever had any kind of counseling before this?"

"During the bulimia thing. Yes."

"Was it helpful?"

"No."

"Do you have any thoughts about why?"

"For one thing, I couldn't talk about what was really bothering me. I knew that my family would be destroyed if anyone found out."

"You didn't trust your counselor?"

"I don't know. You never know who the DiMeras might be paying off. They did break into the office looking for my records, so it was good that I didn't say anything." She made a face at her youthful oversight. "But I was stupid enough to keep a diary, so they stole that and used it instead."

"Do you feel more comfortable talking now?"

"I don't have any secrets now." The words felt strange in her mouth.

"One more question. Do you ever want to hurt yourself? Have you ever considered suicide?"

Sami was taken aback. "No. I have four children who need me here." _Though if I died I'd be with Grace._

"And hurting yourself?"

"Like, cutting? No."

"You mentioned last time that you didn't deserve to be raped when you were in high school, and you seemed to feel differently about the more recent incident. You said you felt like it was karmic justice."

"I do feel like that. Like my family forgave me for hurting them, so when EJ hurts me and I forgive him, I'm paying it forward. Like I'm more of a Brady. Like I'm more like Mom."

"You admire your mother?"

"Everyone does."

"We're not talking about everyone."

"Yes, I admire my mother."

"Would you say you idolize her?"

"No. If anything, I'm the one person in the world who thinks she's not perfect."

"Is that why you were so adamant that you don't look like her? You wouldn't want to look like someone who isn't perfect?"

"I used to be proud to look like her when I thought I looked like her."

"What changed your mind? Why don't you think you look like her now?"

Sami felt her whole body tense. "A few years ago, I found out that I had a great aunt I'd never heard of. She was my Grandpa's older sister and he never told anyone about her. She—in pictures, she looks just like me. Or I look just like her. _Exactly_. And the weird thing is, EJ looks just like his Grandfather, Santo. And Santo and Colleen were in love, but they never got to be together, so Stefano said he would stop killing everyone who was related to me if I married EJ and made up for Colleen not marrying Santo."

"That's why you're marrying EJ?" asked Dr. Cook with real alarm.

Sami felt a small amount of satisfaction. She'd finally been able to shock this meticulously professional woman. She basked in her dubious triumph for a moment before answering.

"That's why I married EJ last time. I didn't want to. But they were going to kill everyone I loved—even Will, probably even the twins—if I didn't divorce Lucas."

"But now you want to marry EJ?"

Sami shrugged. "Yes."

"Why not Lucas?"

Sami's throat swelled shut unexpectedly. "He doesn't want me."

"But if Lucas wanted you, you would marry him instead of EJ?"

"Lucas doesn't want me," Sami repeated. "Lucas left. He went all the way to Hong Kong. Rafe left, too. Everyone leaves. EJ is never going to let me be with anyone but him, so I have to make the best of it." It was easier to say it than it had been to write it down the week before.

"Make a follow up appointment, Sami. We're going to talk about this more."

Sami was stunned when she looked at her watch and saw than an hour had passed.

She was embarrassed, too. She had talked about herself for an hour without noticing the time passing.

She ran out of the office and down the stairs without making the appointment. 

* * *

That night, Sami stood in Allie's bedroom long after the little girl had fallen asleep.

Allie looked like her.

Like Colleen.

Life had been so much easier when she'd looked like Marlena instead of like Colleen.

It was strange how life could steal the most solid things from her.

She'd thought John was her father.

She'd thought she looked like her mother.

She'd thought she would raise the twins with Lucas.

She left Allie's room and gently closed the door behind her.

In the living room, she pulled her laptop onto her knees and looked through the few surviving pictures of Colleen. She stared into Colleen's eyes and wondered that they weren't her own.

"Why did you do it?" she asked Colleen. "You left Santo, and that meant everyone would leave me."

It took the chiming of her email's instant messenger to jerk her out of her musing.

"Carrie," she sighed.

Carrie would never have looked like Colleen. A model, yes. Gorgeous during those teen years that were awkward for everyone else, yes. Colleen? Never. Carrie got her happily ever after, and when she had children, surely they would be fathered by the love of her life.

**CarrieReed**: The picture you sent of Allie and Sydney is adorable.

Sami sighed again.

**SamiBrady**: They're so cute together. Allie calls Sydney "her baby."

**CarrieReed**: It's none of my business, but

Sami rolled her eyes.

**CarrieReed**: Kayla and Stephanie stopped by on their way to Africa. Their flight connected through here.

**CarrieReed**: You're going to marry EJ?

**SamiBrady**: Yes.

**CarrieReed**: ?!

**SamiBrady**: Do you think I look like Mom?

_CarrieReed is typing._

**SamiBrady**: Please, just answer.

**CarrieReed**: I've always thought you looked like Marlena.

**SamiBrady**: Not Colleen?

**CarrieReed**: Well, her too.

**CarrieReed**: That was strange.

**SamiBrady**: Did you ever wonder if it was a hoax?

**CarrieReed**: How could it be? Grandpa would have said. You found the letters.

**SamiBrady**: EJ was right there when we found Santo's letters. Could he have planted them?

**CarrieReed**: But my mom had Colleen's letters.

**SamiBrady**: Your mom also kidnapped my daughter.

**CarrieReed**: Let me look into this.

**SamiBrady**: Isn't your mom missing? How can you look into anything?

**CarrieReed**: Let me look into this.

"What the hell?" Sami asked the empty room. It made sense that if Anna had contacted anyone, it would be Carrie. But it wasn't like Carrie to keep that kind of secret. And if she was going to keep a secret, it wasn't like her to double-cross her own mother, especially not for Sami—even if Carrie had, irrationally, blamed herself for Anna kidnapping Sydney.

Or maybe it was like Carrie. Sami still felt raw from her counseling session. Perhaps her judgment was impaired.

**SamiBrady**: Be careful.

**SamiBrady**: If you find anything out, don't tell anyone before you tell me.

**SamiBrady**: And make sure your mom doesn't.

**SamiBrady**: And remember, the DiMeras might be watching.

**SamiBrady**: I know it's probably not true, but

**CarrieReed**: I'll handle it, on one condition.

**SamiBrady**: What?

**CarrieReed**: You don't marry EJ without giving me 24 hours warning.

Sami groaned. The nice thing about everyone leaving her was supposed to be that they couldn't interfere with her life.

**CarrieReed**: Well?

**SamiBrady**: Fine. Deal.

**CarrieReed**: Love you, Sami.

**SamiBrady**: Love you, too. 

* * *

Two days later, Sami received a voicemail from Carrie.

"Open the box in private. Wouldn't want the kids to fight over the dolls and grab the wrong ones before they start dragging them around the park. Watch out for bugs!"

* * *

While Sami paced around the townhouse waiting for the box to arrive, she called Dr. Cook's office and made the follow-up appointment.

Because it wasn't like she was afraid or anything.

And because she suddenly felt like she might have a say in her own life again. Bouncing thoughts off of Dr. Cook felt like bouncing ideas off of Lucas, way back when she had run not just her own life, but Carrie's and Austin's, too.

* * *

Sami brought the unopened box with her to a private study room in the library.

_Watch out for bugs!_

Carrie hadn't been warning her about spiders or ants.

EJ wouldn't have thought to put surveillance equipment in the library; she now had little doubt, though, that he monitored her when she was in the townhouse. Of course he did. It was his nature. She could only hope that he hadn't monitored her late night IMs to Carrie, and be more careful going forward.

Paranoia felt familiar and exhilarating.

She gasped when she opened the box. The dolls were beautiful. Johnny's was an elaborately dressed toy soldier with wild brown curls like his. Allie's doll had long golden hair like hers, while Sydney's doll had hair just a few shades darker. Will hadn't been forgotten; there was a box of candy for him.

And there was a fourth doll, not quite as detailed as the others, but vaguely reminiscent of something Sami couldn't place until she saw the label pinned to her plaid dress:

_Mollyanna II._

Sami glanced around the empty room, more afraid than ever that she was being watched.

Then she grasped Mollyanna II by her pretty face and twisted.

Mollyanna II's head dropped into Sami's hand.

Inside her hollow body was an envelope.  
_  
Dear Sami,_

My mom has absolutely no credibility at this point, but I will tell you what she told me.

She says she planted the letters because Andre paid her. She was afraid of what would happen if she didn't—afraid that Stefano would hurt her like he'd hurt Tony. Andre was pretending to be Tony and she already suspected that he was lying and that Tony was either dead or in prison.

She also says that EJ paid her to kidnap Sydney.

Sydney had a nosebleed, and that's how EJ got the blood to put on the clothes he threw in the river.

EJ was going to take Johnny and Sydney away forever to get back at you for not telling him about Grace.

My mother has signed an affidavit. Copy enclosed. BE CAREFUL WITH IT!

I'm not going to tell you where my mother is. I know you hate her and I don't blame you, but if the DiMeras find her they will kill her and I can't risk that. I hope you understand.

I am also sending pictures of the real Colleen. She DOES favor you—in the way Irish women tend to favor the women in our family. She doesn't look like your clone, though. I can see how Grandpa, with his memories of being ten years old, might have been confused by the fake pictures.

The real Santo? Except for the porn stache, he didn't look much like those doctored pictures of EJ. I think they were cousins, by the way, not grandfather/grandson. I won't tell anyone for now, but soon we need to let John and Belle and Brady know they aren't as related to Stefano as they think.

It always was a little too convenient that you and EJ would look EXACTLY like Colleen and Santo, right?

Take care of yourself and my nieces and nephews. Hope they enjoy the presents.

All my love,

Carrie

Sami sat in the library and shook with rage until it was time to meet Dr. Cook. Then she packed the documents into the doll and the dolls into the package and carried it along with her.

* * *

"You told me," said Dr. Cook when pleasantries had been exchanged, "that there are at least two men you'd rather marry than EJ."

Sami shivered. She couldn't ask Dr. Cook to delete her notes; it would look suspicious. EJ knew perfectly well that she was seeing Dr. Cook—she had, unbelievably, _told_ him when she agreed to accompany Stephanie as a favor to her family.

She needed to go forward as if she had nothing to hide.

"I'm not sure whether that's true," she said carefully. "Maybe I've just been in denial about my feelings for EJ. Afraid to admit that I love him."

The lie tasted bitter and delicious in her mouth.

"Why do you say that?"

The lie flowed easily, because it was mixed with truth. "I blamed him for ending my marriage to Lucas."

"EJ blackmailed you into divorcing Lucas and marrying him. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to blame EJ for that."

"But like Stephanie said, it was my choice. I didn't have to divorce Lucas. My whole family begged me not to. At some level, EJ was what I wanted. I just couldn't admit it. I couldn't get over the fact that my life hadn't turned out the way I planned—my twins having two fathers and everything. When Lucas and I were in that hotel room, and the message came that EJ was Johnny's father—"

She broke off as she spoke.

Why had she simply taken EJ's word for it? Why, after two tests had said that Johnny was Lucas' son?

"It must have been awful for you to find out that Johnny was conceived in rape, not love."

"It was," said Sami. "But I've learned to appreciate EJ. He's a terrific father."

That lie was the hardest one she told all day.

* * *

With regret, Sami placed Mollyanna II's small hand against the door jamb and slammed the door shut repeatedly.

When the hand was wounded beyond recognition, she dropped a tiny kiss on it. _I'm sorry_, she thought to the doll. _But I'll never forget what you've done for me. You'll always have a place of honor on the top shelf, and I'll tell Allie and Sydney how special you are when they're older._

Into Mollyanna II's body went six plastic bags, labeled only with letters: A, E, J, SA, SG, and W. In each bag was a strand of hair.  
_  
Dear Carrie,_

Paternity test, please. Maternity test, while you're at it.

Thank you.

Love,

Sami

And she placed a second letter on Mollyanna II's chest.

_Dear Carrie,_

Thank you for the dolls you sent the children. They love them.

This one, however, arrived with a broken hand. Do you think the store where you bought it could fix it?

Love,

Sami

* * *

Painfully long weeks passed.

* * *

Mollyanna II returned bearing news.

_SG is a parent of A, J, and W._

E is a parent of SA.

E is not a parent of A, J, or W.

SG is not a parent of SA.

Sami railed against the incompetence of whatever lab Carrie had used. Of course she was Sydney's mother; she had requested the maternity test in a paranoid flight of fancy that one of the twins had been switched at birth, when she had been too busy answering EJ's demands to get to know her new children. But Rafe had run the tests to prove that she was Sydney's mother. He had broken into her home and stolen her toothbrush and Sydney's teething ring. No one else's DNA could have been on the brush—sure, she and Nicole had been living together at the time, but they hadn't shared toothbrushes.

And no one else's DNA could have been on the teething ring. Who would lick a baby's teething ring?

Sami sank to the couch in shock.

_Allie_. Allie who had decided Sydney was "her baby" long before they had known that they were sisters. Allie who wasn't much older than Sydney, and had had no qualms about putting Sydney's teething ring in her own mouth to demonstrate their closeness.

* * *

She wished she could call Dr. Cook. But the DiMeras wouldn't let her have anything, not even help with her grief as she lost a daughter for the third time that year.

* * *

It took Sami five days to call Nicole.

It took Nicole five minutes to produce a CD that proved what Sami already knew—that EJ had kidnapped Sydney and faked her death.

It took Sami and Nicole five hours to stop crying.

(Nicole knew what it was like to lose Sydney.)

(Nicole was also very useful in the handling of Dr. Richard Baker, who had disposed of the remains of Sami's daughter. Exhuming an unmarked grave was more than a little tricky, but it was done and the tests confirmed when Sami, in her heart, already knew.)

* * *

When Nicole was as ready as she would ever be to face a custody battle with EJ, Sami took great pleasure in returning his ring and promising he would never see the twins again.

After all, by the time Sami confronted EJ, Johnny and Allie were already on a plane to Hong Kong.

Will escorted the twins; luckily, his school gave him a week off at Columbus Day.

But even with all of her children out of town, like the rest of her family, Sami didn't feel alone.

She could call or visit her family when she wanted to.

The DiMeras had no reason to spy on her.

Her family hadn't left her; they had left the sad, empty town that Salem had become after years of DiMera rule.

Maybe, when Will finished school, she would leave too. She could take the twins and move to Hong Kong so they could be close to both parents at once.

Whether or not she and Lucas were together, she certainly wasn't going to let Lucas and Johnny lose more time with each other.

Maybe she could take Stephanie up on the offer to visit Africa.

Or Chelsea on her offer to visit London.

Or Marlena on her offer to visit Switzerland.

Or Belle on her offer to meet up in some far-away port.

* * *

"I've been worried about you, Sami," said Dr. Cook.

"I couldn't come in. I told you what the DiMeras did the last time I went to therapy. So once—once I started suspecting that EJ might have lied about everything, including Johnny and Sydney—well, I couldn't risk talking about it. Not when your office might be bugged. Not when your notes might get stolen. Not when you might be working for Stefano or EJ."

"Do you think I'm working for Stefano or EJ?"

"No. But it doesn't matter now. I'm not trying to find out anything they don't want me to know. I don't have anything they want."

"How are you dealing with losing Sydney?"

Sami closed her eyes. "It's hell," she said at last. "Grace was my daughter, and she died. Then Sydney was my daughter, and she died. Then Sydney wasn't my daughter and I had to give her back to Nicole, and my real daughter? She stopped breathing when she was born. She's dead, and I didn't get to mourn her."

"You're mourning her now."

"No. I'm not. With Grace and Sydney I had memories. I had people to share those memories with. I could go to Grace's memorial and feel close to her. But no one knew this baby. She didn't even have a name."

"You could give her a name."

"I can't think of one. Can you believe that? I can't think of one. My own daughter, and I can't even give her a name. I couldn't keep her alive. I didn't know it wasn't her when I met Grace, and then Sydney."

"Maybe the name will come to you as you think of her. Maybe she'll tell you her name."

"Maybe she's not speaking to me because she's angry about me loving Sydney—and Grace—"

"Does Sydney resent Nicole for giving her up?"

"Nicole didn't give her up willingly."

"Does Sydney understand that?"

"No."

"Did Grace hate her biological mother?"

"No."

"Why would your daughter be any different?"

"Mia loved Grace. Nicole loves Sydney. They mourned them. No one loved this baby. No one mourned her."

"What would make you feel like you can mourn for her? A name is one thing. What about a memorial like Grace's?"

Sami cried harder. "I wish I could put it right beside Grace's. It would make me feel like they were keeping each other company. Playing together. Maybe Nicole would bring Sydney to visit. I think she would."

"Is asking Nicole or Mia what they think something you could do?"

* * *

Nicole gave Sami a cup of tea.

"Whatever you want, just ask me," she said fervently. "Anything. I will be indebted to you forever for bringing Sydney back to me. And then a whole other forever for loving her and taking care of her."

"Do you think Mia would mind if I put a gravestone for my baby near Grace's?"

Nicole held Sydney a little more tightly and her eyes were suddenly too round and bright. "I think Mia and Grace would be honored."

Nicole looked at Sami with great compassion and empathy.

Sami wasn't comfortable with that, so she made a face at the odd-smelling tea. "What is this, anyway?" she asked roughly.

"Jasmine," said Nicole. Almost shyly, she added "in some cultures, it represents motherhood."

"Jasmine," whispered Sami.

* * *

That night, she dreamed of Jasmine.

At first, they were alone.

Sydney, Grace, and Jasmine were all Stefano DiMera's granddaughters, but Sydney and Grace looked like their blonde-haired, fair-skinned mothers.

Jasmine looked like EJ.

Her hair was short and dark, her skin tanned instead of pale.

She was shy and jumpy and slow to come into Sami's arms.  
_  
My fault,_ dream-Sami thought. _I was anxious the whole time I was pregnant. Not thrilled like Nicole, not too young to know better, like Mia. Of course she picked up on that._

Then Jasmine suddenly smiled—content, mischievous, innocent.

"I love you," said Sami.

"I know that," said Jasmine.

Just before she woke, she saw Grace take Jasmine's hand.

And she was sure she heard Grandpa Shawn calling to the girls.

* * *

The service was private. Sami issued only three invitations: to Nicole, Sydney, and Mia.

Mia stunned Sami by taking a 13-hour bus ride from New York to Salem to attend.

"Ms. Brady," she said plaintively, "I had to come, I just had to."

So the three of them laid flowers on the graves of the dead babies and entertained the living baby—the baby who, at one time or another, had belonged to each of them.

When the autumn sunlight began to fade, Nicole withdrew a bottle of Irish Whiskey from her oversized purse.

"I remember that this was your grandfather's favorite," said Nicole.

"It was," said Sami, stunned that Nicole had remembered that.  
_  
If it's about alcohol, of course Nicole remembers,_ an inner voice chirped in correction. Sami almost smiled.

"Would you like to toast the girls?"

Sami nodded. Nicole produced three shot glasses. Mia's eyes widened, and Sami opened her mouth to protest that Mia was too young.

But Mia was standing at her daughter's grave. No one had any business telling her she was young.

Sami was still relieved to see that Nicole only filled Mia's glass halfway, and admonished her to take tiny sips.

They toasted Jasmine, then Grace, then Sydney.

Mia toasted Sami and Sami toasted Nicole and Nicole toasted Mia.

The light had died completely when they stumbled out of the graveyard.

* * *

"How did it go?" asked Dr. Cook.

"It was awful. But it helped," said Sami. "I was amazed that Mia came all the way from New York. It can't have been easy for her to get away from school. It's a special arts academy—she's studying dance. It sounds really intense."

"You're fond of Mia."

"She gave me Grace. Of course I am." A bemused smile crossed Sami's face. "And she was my son Will's first girlfriend. I know how insane this sounds, but I had their wedding planned out in my head. Before I knew the truth about Grace, I was imagining what Mia and Will's children would look like."

"That sounds like a typical mom. A mom who's lucky enough to like her son's girlfriend," Dr. Cook said.

"Oh, I always promised myself that I would work really hard to like whatever girl Will brought home. I've had the mother-in-law from hell. I'm not going to do that some other woman. Or to Will. I wouldn't want him caught in the middle, like Lucas always was. But I wouldn't want him alone, either, like I was abandoning him, or I didn't care."

"Abandonment is a big deal for you."

Sami shrugged.

"I'm not criticizing, Sami. When you were a child, your dad left, and then your mom left, and then your stepfather."

"I was thinking about this the other day," Sami admitted. "Thinking that my family didn't leave because of me. They had other problems. If anything, the DiMeras ran them out of town."

"That's very true."

"I was thinking that maybe when Will graduates from high school, I'll go around the world and visit them."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea."

"I'm not sure. I spent half of my life chasing people who didn't want me following them."

"Has your family told you they don't want you to visit?"

"No. They invited me," said Sami quietly.

"You don't believe them?"

"I do. The liar in the family is me, haven't we been over this?"

"Sami," said Dr. Cook. "Why do you think you're judging yourself right this second?"

"Because I didn't judge myself enough when I was younger and I have to even things out."

"Even if it worked that way—and I can assure you it doesn't—you took a break from this negative talk, this desire to hurt yourself, for a while, didn't you?"

"I was busy. I had an ex-fiance who faked a paternity test and a kidnapping, one child to give up, one child to send to the parent he never knew he had, and, oh yeah, three dead babies."

"So if you feel yourself starting to work through the pain of losing Grace and Jasmine and, in a way, Sydney, you have to find a way to punish yourself?"

"I don't want to work through that pain. If I'm closer to the pain, I'm closer to them."

"And what about your three surviving children? What does that do to Allie and Will and Johnny?"

Sami groaned softly. "I know."

"Then act like it."

"I'll try."

"Good. Then tell me again why you shouldn't visit your family once Will is through school."

"Because if I leave Salem, I would never want to come back. This has always been my home. This has always been where I wanted the twins to grow up. I don't want to leave and say 'Dad, Grandma, you're on your own.' I don't want to let the DiMeras feel like they've won by chasing me out of town."

"First of all, the DiMeras only win when you base your actions on what they might think." Sami nodded. "More to the point, why wouldn't you want to come back?"

Sami sighed. "That's something that's really hard to describe."

"Take your time."

"Everything used to be in color, and now it's all gray. Gray and black. Grace dying. Jasmine dying. Grandpa dying. Losing Sydney. Losing Lucas. Losing Rafe. Realizing I let EJ trick me about Johnny, and knowing Johnny will be in pain for years because of it. Knowing I chose EJ not just over Lucas, but over Will. Knowing that I'll never have the family I was always fighting for—not the family I was born to, not the family I tried to make with Lucas and our children. If I left, if I distracted myself, I couldn't come back and face all that gray."

"Or maybe a vacation would help you recharge, help you learn to see in color again."

"If I started to run, I'd keep running. I've been running all my life. Running away from Alan, away from being alone, away from being Carrie's sister and Mom's daughter and John's stepdaughter. Running away from having a baby with Lucas, running away from my feelings for him. Running away from caring for Brandon or being humiliated by Franco. If I lost one man, I chased the next man harder so I wouldn't have to be alone. I've been running away from me. And if I start to do it physically, Allie and Johnny won't have any stability. And that's all I want for them."

"All right," said Dr. Cook. A few sessions ago, Sami would have been inwardly gloating that she had impressed the doctor. Now she just felt tired. "Then if you're staying in Salem, what can we do to help you see in color again?"

They talked. There was no solution.

Sami went straight home; Will would be back soon, and she needed to greet him properly. Happily. Like it didn't matter that the twins would be staying in Hong Kong, out of EJ's immediate reach. Like it didn't matter that soon Will would be gone, too. Like it didn't matter that there were no good things in the world.

* * *

"I'm back!" Will sang out.

"Will, honey!" Sami raced into the living room and pulled her son into a bear hug. She loved Will. She adored Will. She was proud of Will. She couldn't get over how much she admired Will. That ought to be enough.

She pelted him with questions about his father and the twins; he gave her infuriatingly uninformative, teenager-like answers.

Behind him, the door stood open. Sami rolled her eyes and moved to close it.

"No!" said Will.

Sami looked a question at him.

"I left it open to remind myself that I left my bag out there," said Will, as if that somehow made sense.

"So maybe you could go get your bag?" Sami suggested slowly.

"I would, but—" Will broke off in a fit of coughing, and scrambled into the kitchen. Sami heard water running.

"Fine," she said to the empty room. "I'll get your bag."

She stepped outside; the bag was nowhere in sight. At last, she saw a scrap of green canvas peeking out from behind the corner. As she strode toward it—why on earth had Will dropped it there?—two small bodies collided with her legs, tugging her down to their level.

"Mommy!" shrieked Allie and Johnny. "Surprise!"

"Your brother should never have left you out here alone," Sami managed around the hugs and kisses.

"Oh, let the kid have a little fun," suggested a deep voice.

Sami's heart leapt into her chest.

Lucas emerged from around the corner; he winked at Will, who had long since followed Sami into the hall.

The world exploded into a thousand possibilities, each a different color.

_**Fin. **_


End file.
